we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
