i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
