I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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