she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
