I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
