When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
