I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
