if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
