god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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