So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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