Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
