There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
