I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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