I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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