Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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