Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
