I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
