We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
