you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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