Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
