i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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