I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
