Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I need to calm my uterus...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
