My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Randomize
