My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
