Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
