sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
