That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
