I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
