you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
