You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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