Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
