how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
