she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
