Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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