I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
