i permit you to call me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
