you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
