New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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