his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
