I wish my penis had an off switch
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
