Quick, to the slutcave!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drake has all the answers
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we're so committed to being not committed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
