There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
