Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
