God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
