Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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