I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
