dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
