Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
