The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
