I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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