New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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