this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
