he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize