woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
