She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
