My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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