a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
