Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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