and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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