Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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