oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
