Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
